What Comes After Social Anxiety?

This is not an article about social anxiety - this is about what comes afterwards. It is something I have observed with clients who have gotten through this difficult period and come through the other side — maybe you can think of it as a way of coping, of managing when things have settled down.

Perhaps you know these people — or are one yourself. The common characteristics are a person who is sensitive, charismatic and empathetic. They have learned, through painful previous experiences, that the way to get through social anxiety is to take control, or at the very least move away from avoidance. Avoidance is the enemy, so the focus is on action — doing a lot, communicating, pretending that things are easy in order for them to become easier.

Perhaps this person has had an experience in the past, probably of a difficult time in their lives when things were not going well. The stress got them down, and they likely withdrew from life — staying at home, or at the very least avoiding friends and interactions. Their sense of self, already low, really hit a rock bottom, and it probably took a fair bit to pull them out of it, and get them comfortable with the outside world again.

Many young people hit a low point like this between their late teens and early twenties — you can almost see it as a part of their psychological development, where they learn to adjust to the demands of adulthood. A lack of confidence in abilities and self creates a deep sense of discomfort, making it hard to interact with others — pervasive feelings of anxiety about criticism and rejection, sense of self and their place in the world. It is only natural to want to withdraw and avoid the world for a while — but the challenge can be in finding ways to re-engage in the presence of anxiety symptoms.

For most people, the vicious cycle of social anxiety (negative experiences leading to avoidance, leading to lack of confidence in self and withdrawal, leading to more negative experiences) gets ironed out by life itself — being forced into social interactions and re-learning what we knew as children — that we are fine how we are, that we are probably no better or no worse than the average person, and the important thing is to turn up and do what matters — and the rest sorts itself out.

We know that the best cure for social anxiety is generally exposure therapy — putting ourselves in the feared situation over and over again, until it is no longer anxiety-provoking — and focusing on the values behind why we are doing what we are doing (Eg. this is uncomfortable, but I need this job to get money to buy this car/move out of home). For some, this process occurs formally, through therapy — but for others, it can be simply by entering adult life and being forced to interact with others.

So now we have an adult who has come through that time, but is somewhat marked by it; whether this looks like a determination never to go back there, or an over-reliance on coping skills such as exercise, social activity and personal development.

This is such a delicate line — often these people are working hard to not fall back into the abyss that avoidance can bring — they are facing their fears head on, and choosing to say yes to life. This is a positive thing — it is a forward looking orientation, learning from our past mistakes. But, occasionally, it can also have a darker side.

For some people who fit this profile, they are exhausted — doing too much, engaging too much. Social anxiety is partly about control, and these adults are still engaging in the core process of anxiety — attempting to control themselves and others experiences of themselves. At a group outing, they are making sure everyone is okay. When hosting guests, they are over-extending themselves to make sure they are comfortable and having fun. Their own needs fade into the background while they listen to that anxious voice in their heads, telling them to do more, and that they are not enough, that it is their responsibility to make sure things are running smoothly. They are out of their shell, but growing increasingly more fragile and vulnerable.

This is the crux of the issue — often when we move away from avoidance in social anxiety, we can feel that we are cured — but the core issues remain. Often, at the base of it, is a concern about the self — that I am not enough, I must do more. That can result in avoidance (hiding away), or over-compensation (doing too much). Both are problematic — one makes us depressed, as we are hiding also from life, and another makes us exhausted and resentful, because we are doing far too much.

For some people, this can hark back to family dynamics when they were in the role of caregiver or mediator — for others, it can be about simply wanting others to have a good time and a sense of discomfort if the situation does not seem to be going smoothly. Empathetic people can struggle as observing discomfort in others can elicit discomfort in themselves, and can feel almost impossible to tolerate.

So what is the solution to this? One good first step would be to identify if this is something you are doing. Are you tending to take too much responsibility for things, or feel overly responsible in a social setting? Are you finding social situations, particularly the ones in which you are in charge, exhausting? This might indicate that, although you have progressed on from social anxiety, there is still a level of anxiety there — a sense of responsibility and a need to control the interactions around you. Here are some good pointers to get started.

1. Observe others — how do your friends or loved ones deal with situations like this? Maybe they respond similarly, or maybe they just relax and let the situation run its course. Most of the time, at least if you are around adults, things tend to sort themselves out. A good question to ask yourself is if you need to take responsibility for someone’s experience — maybe if they were a little kid who was being teased by others, but with adults generally we can look after ourselves. That friend you are worrying about manages to look after themselves the other 364 days of the year when you’re not around — and that family member who is staying with you is probably just happy not to have to pay for a hotel.
2. Ask yourself — what am I wanting to get from this interaction or situation? Often this underlying anxiety or need for control can really detract from the enjoyment of a situation. Often when we look underneath, we can see that, ideally, we would like to relax in the presence of friends and family, and focus on conversation and making memories with them. When we are trying to control everything, this tends to get lost in the background. Focusing on what is important — the presence of loved ones, being around them — can help to shift our attention away from potential problems or concerns. Anxiety also entails a tendency to look for potential threats — and social situations are full of these, in particular if they involve family members. Focusing on the reality of the situation — that this is safe, quality time — can help to shift that vigilance.
3. An Empathy Experiment — one of the best things to do with something like this, is to ask — what might I want someone to do for me in this situation? For example, if you are struggling with the duties of hosting, because you are over-compensating or feeling overly responsible — consider what you might expect from a host. It might be that you would expect things like fresh towels and linens, clear communication and some quality time — but probably not much more than that. Stepping out of our own experience and getting some distance can be useful in getting a reality check. Similarly, if we are at a party and not having a great time, what might we expect from our host? Perhaps to check up on us and try and facilitate conversation or engagement — but probably not to babysit us all evening and miss out on their own social occasion.
4. Set Expectations — Sometimes issues like this are not all our own doing, but rather are a result of expectations from family members or friends, who are used to their loved one being always available and self sacrificing. If this is the case, the most elegant way to enact change is to clearly set expectations upfront, so that there is no confusion about what you are doing. For example, with that relative coming to stay, sending a short message before they arrive outlining your plans while they’re there and suggesting times to spend together. Being able to reflect on where your limit is, in terms of socialising and interacting, can be a large part of self care — and ensures that you can set aside time to unwind and look after yourself.

The big thing to remember here is that a lot of anxiety is about the need for control, and often it can be liberating to step away from that. Often what we find when we do this, is that not only does nothing bad happen (and often people don’t even notice), but that you start to enjoy things a lot more.

Instead of focusing on all the things you need to do, or the expectations upon yourself, there is now space to focus on what is really important. Often in these situations, what is important is having quality time with loved ones, recharging in their presence and letting the interactions unfold. Most times, once we give up control over the interaction, we will see that things have a way of unfolding naturally, and we are much more able to appreciate it.

What do you think about the social anxiety progression, from avoidance to over-engagement — is this something you have seen in your own life? Feel free to leave responses below.